life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
I should start printing out disclaimer handouts and passing them out to people saying, "I can not be held responsible for anything I say or do this evening."
I accidentally got a lemon stuck in your bong. I was trying to make it taste good. Sorry
Wrote my name backwards on the test and asked for extra credit points. Late start booze days are my new favorite thing.
just won 200$ from the school for "liking" the anti-alcohol seminar. putting it to good use
how?
not even kidding, my fake id is arriving in 6-8 business days
After the 3rd shot, she was running around singing, "Twinkle Twinkle Big Ol' Dick, on your happy place I'll sit" to your brother.
Put that bitch's torch out. She's been voted off.
Just fyi there is a naked girl somewhere in your house. I woke up and she was gone, definitely left her clothes tho
Sorry I sent you a video of a singing reverend last night, I was really high.
So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"
He has a baby picture of himself on the night stand. I don't think this whole 'one night stand' thing is for me.
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
I want to meet people. Preferably ones with penises
I swam, I rode a bicycle, I rode a horse, I danced. It was like a real life tampon advert.
I wore my old cheerleading uniform.. He came before I even touched his dick. Should I be irritated, or flattered?
He fucks strippers and doesn’t have a life plan. Of course I’m going to regret this
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