do you remember what downloading porn with a 14k modem was like?
i know they say sex burns calories but i think i actually gained weight from just lying there for the whole 2 minutes
I go to guys houses late at night, have a little fun, come back by dawn having made their life a little bit better. I am the official blow job fairy.
last night i found out that about 5 of my friends audio recorded us having sex through the bedroom door, then auto tuned it in the tpain app on his iphone.
I'm sitting in class drinking a forty out of a paper bag. No ones said anything yet. I think my professor is trying to ignore me. Better start yelling louder.
I woke up this morning with my hair wrecked, a split lip, and an "H" on my right knee and a "I!" on my other knee.
Apparently I kept telling people I was a pro tennis player again...
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
I don't even know where to begin....there's queso sauce and public hair stuck to everything
Parents said they were cutting off my AmEx card. So I immediately went up to the liquor store and purchased $550 of booze before it was canceled. I'm expecting your arrival in 30 minutes.
Also, do you think i could get away with finishing my vodka cranberry from last night at work if i put orange juice in it? Serious question.
Question for you. Do you want to go out somewhere or do you want to have sloppy joes at my house? That's not a euphemism for anything; I actually have stuff to make sloppy joes
Sorry I yelled at you and called you Amish and puked on your eggs
Wanna get drunk and make some bad decisions?
Are you calling me a bad decision?
A true gentleman never tells. But yes, I did indeed get laid last night
Randomize
