Solid performance last night. Wanna be fuck buddies?
GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
i just woke up at 8pm naked in my bed, with a fresh haircut. I wonder what barber i went to.
Apparently having him hold an open book in front of me while i'm blowing him doesn't count as studying...
eating kraft dinner with my face. no forks.
you cant just puke in an arbys and not order food. thatd be rude.
He was with one girl when I went to bed, wad with another when I woke up and now he just told me he was with a 3rd in-between last night and this morning. Jesus Christ.
I jumped on his cock in 2 seconds flat. Thanks mom for sending me to gymnastics when I was a kid.
His pick up line was "your one sexy pumpkin, I'd love to carve." Why would you let me go home with him?
In lieu of flowers, please donate to The Hungover Children's Fund in my name.
I think the solution to your phobia is an open relationship with your dildo. about the same responsibility as a pet rock
so my pro life roomate found a used condom wrapped up in her sheets with your panties. never letting you have sex in her bed again
Pizza rolls are incredible. They are like sex, except I have them sometimes
The difference in our lives is summed up perfectly in that you woke up next to a 6'4" guy with an accent and I woke up next to an unwrapped piece of string cheese.
You are ridiculously similar to a unicorn, and I want to fuck that unicorn.
Randomize
