He said he had to make up a lie of why he couldnt sleep with her. It must really suck to have a sunburned dick.
Just woke up to my stoned boyfriend building a shrine around my bare ass. He'll never leave me.
Just checked my phone. Sometime last night I googled sex positions in a tent. Was there even a tent there?
I'm lost. Please come find me. I'm inside the I-270 circle somewhere. I can hear laughing.
Stole a wheelchair from the hospital and rolled down the street smoking and drinking this is my weekend
in line at jewel. the cashier is puking in a garbage can while ringing up customers. glad to know im not the only one that 2012 is kicking in the face already.
you know what would be perfect? if you flew in on a horse/cat holding taco bell and then you swooped me up and took me to disney world and it was magical
To be so small, the mini-horses are exceptionally aggressive. And fast. Very, very fast.
Abort! Abort! He almost bit off a finger!
Would be in best interest to sanitize the DVDs
For our final psych experiment, we're conditioning Tim to hump the nearest inanimate object and/or person every time he hears a Ke$ha song
I'm still pretty drunk right now, but when this hangover hits me, I'm going to be super pissed. It's a preemptive never drinking again.
Can you pick up from work today? There's a surprise for you on the bed and I haven't gone blind which is positive.
When you pick me up at the airport, please have some sort of drugs on hand.
I may have just poured a honey apple beer onto a dried apple slice to rehydrate it. This is my day.
he ended the message XOXO, who the fuck does he think he is GossipGirl.
Randomize
