i don't have parental supervision. i'm gonna start accepting candy from strangers now.
Turns out drinking large amounts of Gentleman Jack does NOT turn you into a Gentleman -- quite the opposite actually.
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
I tipped the hot bartender my entire wallet. Again.
Gonna bang his former student. Clearly I am winning this breakup.
its so hard to text. the buttons are tickling my fingers
I don't want to get into details but it feels like there was a bear mauling involved. A very good bear mauling.
Dude, you left ME alone in your house. With your fully-stocked wine cellar. Why would you do that to yourself?
WE SHOULD MAKE A WORKOUT ROUTINE CALLED BARCARDIO
Got drunk and passed out flintstone vitamins to everyone at the bar. I'm just so god damn motherly
NO TEQUILA
Why do I always think it's a good idea? Like a challenge? Shit maybe I should CHALLEGE myself to get laid for once instead
I can't put those talents on a resume
Well he was mad because I chose tequila over him. He obviously doesn't understand that he will always be second to my first true love.
I don't think you should say "suck my dick" and then proclaim to be a messiah, of any sort.
I was actually kind of excited. I mean, how many people can say they've been question by the CIA?
Randomize
