I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
I accidentally had phone sex last night
Sorry, its so late. Remember your fat friend with huge boobs. i need her number..its an emergency
Whats contracted in vegas does not stay in vegas....
idk why but i just wanna to have sex with the idea of him. i don't even wanna meet him.
So you know how craigslist used to have an "erotica" section? And how after you click on a link it changes a darker color? And how Dad stays up really late most nights?
Oh god... well at least he's gettin some. Mom's a prude.
I just woke up at my desk with "To Whommmmmmmmm" typed on a letter. I have no memory of waking up, getting dressed or driving in.
no one was sober enough to set up jenga so we just threw the pieces at the last person to drink
Thing I actually said tonight: "I want to achieve Ultimate level drunkenness, I'm only at Champion"
Someone sharpied "COCK HUNGRY" on my butt cheeks last night. When the fuck did I have my ass out?
Dude. The amount of love and appreciation from a house full of stoners when you come home at 4 am with donuts is overwhelming. The kind of love to make Jesus have to work a little harder at his unconditional love thing.
Because that's what you do with poop. You expect the worst.
He just said Bill Nye is just a dude. If I ever considered sleeping with him, I never will now.
Waking up next to a guy you don't remember going home with and the first thing you say is: where is my tiara? = successful birthday
Mimosas make me so tired. I just ordered a huge thing of pasta and gonna eat it in my underwear like a bad bitch
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