my room smells like sperm. sweet.
morning outfit: hottub soaked skirt. no underwear. someone's bandanna worn as a shirt. took me an hour to walk home. this isn't fun anymore.
It's like there testing me. My dad kept handing me margaritas and saying "you can take it"
It's like my ice maker knows when I wanna get drunk
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You need a Jiminy Cricket, but for sexual decisions.
you never texted me what you wanted from the store so I got a piece of chicken and bottle of tequila. if you want anything else you are on your own.
I told him I was very thankful for what his country has done to my vagina and walked away.
Tequila pump. I'm ecstatic your engineering degree has real world application.
My only positive piece of news is that my roommate is moving home for the summer, so our stress-relief sex will be much easier to get away with.
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just chugging fertility tea and vodka, no big deal.
so let me get this straight... she's showing a cameltoe that can be seen from the space station and I'm NOT supposed to stare?
After the apocalypse all we'll have is vodka and twinkles.
Do I have to cook for the potluck? Can I just bring a costco size bottle of Vodka?
I definitely almost just pulled a condom out of my purse instead of money for my dad.
I need advice on ways to politely say “fuck you on your way to hell”.
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