Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
I don't care if he is my ex... I have the deed to his dick until someone else fucks him. We broke up 2 years ago.... I am still holding that deed!
i saw her thong sticking out from across the bar...that was my cue
IM A DRUNK BIRTHDAY CLEOPATRA MESS. CELEBRATE THAT BITCH
I need a burrito and a hug.
He bought segways. We ride them when we get drunk. Last night he ran through the sliding glass door.
The condom broke. Its OK tho, turns out I was just humping her thigh for 20 minutes. Jager dude, Jager.
Tommarow we shall sacrifice the freshmen to the sun god
I left her alone for a few minutes and she's already using a guy on his hands and knees as a chair while another guy is serving her margaritas.
Other than trying to finger me on the couch in the middle of the bar a few times, you were fine.
I could tell my life story through kermit memes
Dude she literally licked him. He was covered in cheese and in her high state what else was she gonna do?
You kept singing "your gonna lose that girl" to him right in front of her.. of course you got punched in the face.
See I just want a dick that I don`t have to deal with or talk to unless it is inside me. Is that so much to ask for?
Found Ryan’s keys in the fridge. On my way back.
Also, tell him he missed Nathan passing out in the dryer.
Randomize
