Nah got too drunk to function...probably could have dragged something home over my shoulder if the cops didn't roll
You're boyfriend is farting in his sleep. The last one sounded like a threat.
apparently i was offering everyone ambien and shouting, it's only like heath ledger if you want it to be!
We dont have to go to dinner or anything gay like that. I just wanna do it.
I absolutely love you.
I wish I was that guy from the miller light commercials so I could walk into parties and take peoples beer without getting yelled at
Just ran into my ex in the WOMENS bathroom. He said I did this to him. Swore he never wore my clothes but said he liked my skirt. I need vodka.
note to self... there IS such a thing as having too many birthday shots...
I feel if a girl leaves my house the next morning feeling degraded and in desparate need of a shower, then I have succeeded.
Received a verbal warning at work for "riding in a trash receptacle, violating professionalism & infection control."
Change the recording on your voicemail. He found your number and my ass print on the car hood.
You're either getting fucked or a coupon to Friendly's. I haven't decided yet.
THERE IS A VERY SMALL CHILD YELLING OUTSIDE OF MY DOOR. THE NEXT TIME YOU TELL ME YOUR TOO BIG FOR A CONDOM I'M GOING TO PUNCH YOU IN THE DICK.
he rolled over in the morning and told me happy valentines day. i don't even know his first name.
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
This is like the fourth time this month I've woken up hungover in someone's backyard
Randomize
