I just made a milkshake without a blender... thats determination
could you please tell me why you thought vodka soaked band aids were a good idea?
I will now refer to my life as before and after I used Astroglide for the first time
Out of beer. Salsa pong. Never again.
Sitting on the curb by new england comics with a weeping drunk girl who's eating french fries saying she'll never be as successful as her sister the hand model. She's scaring the nerds.
It's a lost cause. Soon she's gonna get naked, just let nature run its course
note to self: shower sex when you have 7 stitches in your leg is never a good idea. never.
It's something I can't competently describe without making sex sounds.
This text constitutes a formal request for sexual congress under the terms of our Relationship Agreement.
No way in hell. Unless I was drunk Tindering again....my swiping finger gets drunk too I guess
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
Well, I could just slap my dick to my phone and see what it says
Either my apartment is haunted or I'm far more drunk than I thought
Hey I know we haven't talked in a while, but I wanted to thank you for those m&ms you bought me for Christmas. Sorry I never got you anything then broke up with you.
Me and dad were just reflecting on that time he found a gas mask bong in the backyard.
Randomize
