I hate my date so much right now for even thinking I want to do the electric slide.
Have you ever secretly resented a girl for wanting to have sex when all you really wanted to do was rub one out and go to sleep?
We had two amazing nights in a row...it was so weird...I couldn't even go to sleep cause I thought maybe it was just in his plot to kill me.
I'm calling into work with a wicked case of sledge hammer crotch. She has to understand
My face is tingly. And my legs are being massaged by golden elves.
I was expecting it to be of the "I am your vagina's reckoning" caliber.
Jesus Christ. If I were a normal sex-having person, I'd think I was knocked up. I'm cycling through emotions like I'm in a decathlon to crazy.
She told me she brought a guy home but that he looked pickled. And no, that's not an autocorrect.
Hahahah pickled
I asked her what she meant and she said that he looked like he had soaked in water.
You slapped the bar and yelled "daddys thirsty!" at the lady behind the bar
To be fair I was thirsty
When she told you not to yell you looked directly at me and screamed "Man, she sucks!"
He called yelling about whhhhhhiskey and enchiladas I heard sirens in the background last time I talked to him b
My idiot ex texted me on Valentine's day to tell me I was right, he did need a therapist.
I just borrowed porn from my middle aged mother. This is what desperate looks like.
I am not walking across campus just to give you a blow job in the hopes that in return i can study more efficiently.
Dude if I had a dollar for everytime she asked me to do weird shit with her when we were fucking I'd have like 4$
Nothing like having a family watch you dry heave at the end of the dock
Randomize
