i used the pictures of vaginas in your biology book to jack off.
Thanks for sticking it out with old horseface last night... I owe you one buddy.
he couldnt get it up, so i stole his lighter. i needed to have some reason to say the night wasnt wasted
Being thankful with your family is one thing. Being thankful with your friends while getting drunk and smoking bowls while eating leftovers, priceless.
Except there is my pee all over the walls now
We weren't even through customs yet, and we got offered weed. You would love Jamaica.
I think it says something about my sobriety when I don't notice a Taco Bell wrapper stuck to my ass until I'm in the shower...
You just kept yelling and saying, "IM NOT GOING TO STOP YELLING UNTIL YOU TAKE THAT SHOT"
I'm adopting to save the world from the moral outrage that would be my offspring
I woke up naked buried in snacks. Best night ever.
I keep finding Kraft singles in his pockets. Honestly, this is the weirdest family I've ever worked for.
I really need to stop sending pussy pics if I'm going to be running for state representative in November
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
We went to the midnight donut shop and you hopped the counter and told everyone to "Get the Fuck out of your Bar" but to also "Make yourselves at home".
First day of school is awesome. I get to meet my students and figure out which of their mothers I’ I’m going to bang
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