What started out as a threesome has become me sitting here watching them have sex... Can I get a ride home?
don't get me wrong, i like my boss a lot, but not enough to not bang his daughter
I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
Are you still at the party or did I leave?
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Nah, I'm just going to keep fucking him until he realizes we're perfect for each other.
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
Just so you know I would totally fuck you. Does that count as a feeling?
I was fine until "Under Pressure" came on the radio. It's like God wanted me to shit my pants on the drive home.
I don't know where I am and I feel like a hippo shat in my mouth. This sofa is comfy though.
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I will seriously deflate and melt into the floor into a puddle of devestation, shame and vodka.
If I come back tomorrow to find a certain football player tied up and locked in your closet, shit's gonna get real.
I'll set him free tomorrow morning ;)
also, am i correct in guessing that advertising the size of my hypothetical penis is a turnoff to him?
I'm not letting you use my bathroom unsupervised anymore. You peed in the sink thinking it was a urinal...
LOOK, I was 19, and I made a lot of choices with my crotch which I'm weirdly proud of
Yes dear.
Someone who makes you cum so hard that you have an asthma attack is clearly your soulmate
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