I used a bag of wine as a pillow last night.
Sign #1 this conference will suck: Ice breaker question, how many proud virgins do we have in the room, overwhelming response. Looks like I'm not getting laid this weekend.
Barsexuality is the new black.
They still haven't come up with a cure for a hangover; good luck cancer.
i wish i could post a picture of his odd shaped penis on facebook and label it "wtf???"
When we ran out of red solo cups we switched to Starbucks cups for beer pong... Who doesn't want to live in Seattle?
i really wish i had a remote for my computer. its all the way on my bed while im across the hall puking my brains out to enya. not cool.
After four attempts, his condom would not flush. I had to remove it with salad tongs.
Want to come over? I'm getting stoned and watching Netflix and making s'mores over a candle in my room
Passed out drunk in a tanning bed...
Did At The Beach call the fire department to get you like last time?
You forget how awesome toilet paper is until you have to wipe your ass with a piece of notebook paper...
Came back with a random sweatshirt, an American flag, and a for sale sign. Mission success?
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
He wanted to save my dignity, I just wanted beads and jäger
We still getting married? Or were you day drinking
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