She punched me in the face after i pulled it out and grabbed my cell phone. Ill be the one hiding in the bushes with one shoe.
i waited two years for her to sleep with me. it just didnt seem worth it.
she lost her virginity three hours after you dumped her.
are you serious?
Encyclopedia Brown and the case of the missing condom.
I hope Brown isn't a clue to its whereabouts.
a guy from my religion class just walked in with a red cup. hello first friday of 2nd semester.
hey bro how do you do that fake vagina thing with the tp roll? im bored.
Wow. A quad shot of peppermint schnapps. I feel like I just deep throated a candy cane. Best 21st ever.
Got paid to make out with a girl. It takes skill to be this drunk and still make money
Just served breakfast to a bunch of hella drunk kids. They kidnapped the birthday boy for his 21st and he was wearing a disney onesy and bunny ears. They've been drinking since before dawn, why don't we have friends like that?
Twas the night before the bachelor party, and all thru the house...not a creature was stirring, not even a stripper?...
Tim and I found you a 5ish and asked how you were doing with the breakup. All you said was "i can't words"
I'm sitting in Starbucks, waiting for direction in my life, or it to be 8 p.m. Whatever comes first.
The bad news is I fucked my exes girlfriend. The good news is I100% understand why he left me
You mowed a straight line through three yards because you were, and I fucking quote, "In the zone." I think they know.
I love that you put so much thought and effort into your nudes
I don't send half assed nudes. Go big or go home.
1. I drank goldschlager 2. I fell in a bathtub and hit my head (hard) on a soap dish. 2. I sat in said bathtub talking to a random stranger on vacation from wyoming (who i met at a 711 looking for taquitos) for almost an hour. 3. We got kicked out of said bathtub by owner of bathtub. 4. We had sex.
Randomize
