Remember that night when i almost got you arrested? Is that funny yet?
He disabled his match.com account in front of me
Is it necrophilia if we're both dead?
I just criticized a porno's use of editing. Film school is ruining me.
i just heard her through the wall saying "not on my face! NOT on my face!" then a scream and "I SAID NOT ON MY FACE!!!"...nice work dude.
Have introduced beer-pong to my work's Tuesday lunches.
Couldn't see or hear that well because she hit me on the back of the head with a bat. That is my excuse. Also the gin.
You left your underwear on the fireplace
If you're that baked in a class full of people that know you're that baked you tend to offer up a peace offering. Its like the burrito of trust! If eaten you are now obligated to help maintain my grades and keep me from falling out of my chair. $3.75 a morning is worth it for that mafia type protection!
It has become abundantly clear why you give me pixie stix when you're drunk now...
She was giving me that "well this is awkward since you drunkedly tried to hook up with me" look.
I don't know but this 12 year old kid is soaking up all of our bad morals like a super tampon on the second day of my period
You know, we cock-blocked like 5 people last night. It's like we're her vagina goalies
Woke up with a $100 bill from the Philippines in my bra & an unopened box of sour patch kids next to me. I have some questions.
The girl at the liquor store remembered me as "the girl who pays in hundreds" so she didn't ID me
never have sex with a mint flavored condom on. my vagina is on fire.
Randomize
