dude i just saw a topless girl trying to get into her locked car. im moving here
So I'm eating my sandwich... and a penny fell out of it.
note to self... there IS such a thing as having too many birthday shots...
Dude how the fuck are we gonna get the lawnmower outta the pool?
It's like the only way I know how to apologize is by giving a blow job.
please stop yelling "ITS NARNIAAAAAAAAA" out of our window at the lone person walking home in the snow
Yeah, I probably scared him away when I drunkenly told him we'd have beautiful children
I was pissing in the urinal at the concert and some drunk chick ran in and yelled 'but the lines to fucking long' then ran out with 10 state troopers chasing her... Yeah
I bought 2 40s with winning lottery tickets and they paid me $.03. 'Merica
If you already knew specifically that I was smoking a bowl in my remodeled bathroom AND THEN still wanted to initiate sexting, please proceed to the altar and marry me this instant.
He offered to let her do a line of coke off his hard-on. She said she'd had that hard-on and it would be a bump, not a line. Everyone laughed. That's why he left.
So that answers the first question but not the second: how the fuck am I getting home?
I woke up this morning with a text from my mom as to why the hell random people were showing up at the house. Turns out nobody came to our house party because I gave them my old address, fuck pre-partying for real
All you need is a handful of lube and an open mind
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
You know tonight's gonna be a good night when your already planning on sleeping in a trunk
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