Fuck buddy has no power. Invited her over to use my shower. I love hurricaines.
As long as there aren't any pictures of me humping the penguin, we are good,
as it turns out, there is no "i was in the pool" excuse for adderall-induced shrinkage.
Omg I just met another drunk guy that is teaching me karate
She started crying and told me to leave half way through, I'm walking down main with a bottle of patron and a sweatpants boner.
this better not be you asking for a beej
All my credit cards need to be pressure washed
and I keep making him eat me out and buying me presents, this is paradise. I wish he cheated on me earlier.
Guess which frat house I just walked out of! And on a related note... guess who's uncircumsized
Today needs to die. The mail delivery guy watched me throw up in my yard while taking my chihuahua out in Christmas pajamas at noon. Low point in my life.
First stoner thought of the day: Life would be so much better if there were more things that were biscuits and gravy flavored.
Jäger goes great with personal crises and receding morals...
He's like a father figure to me, except we have casual drunk sex every now and then
I'm giving drunk me full control of my body for the next few days. Please don't let me die.
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
will you help me invent vagina-safe pop rocks?
Randomize
