My doctor literally wrote on the script NO SEX
In the middle of having sex with me, she reminded me that I was supposed to call my mom that morning. My penis has never retracted so quickly.
Some girl, somewhere, is going to wake up with my face paint on her vagina
The cop told me to answer for everyone if there was drinking involved and then i threw up in my Luigi's italian ice that i was eating with a pizza slicer
There was probably a tattoo above her soulless vagina that read 'it's a trap!' Yet you ignored it
Dear god. Please. Please do NOT deprive yourself of dick for 90 days. Blood will spill. Wolverines will howl. I can't handle that kind of terror.
Fuck I am so excited for the first time I can make someone call me Doctor Nikki during sex after I finish my PhD
If I had a vagina, my apartment would have been the Atlantic
I shaved an Xmas tree into my junk.... I placed your present underneath.
god dammit I AM NO LONGER PUTTING UP WITH YOUR HETEROSEXUALITY I QUIT
I had a dream I got back with Amanda. And then cheated on her the same day. Even my conscious is a dick
EW HE LOOKS LIKE SOMEONE'S DAD
You know it was a good night when you wake up w/o a shirt in someone elses living room next to a pancake on a spoon in a bowl of spaghetti.
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
I'm sorry I get my lefts and rights confused because I'm dyslexic. But, it took you at least 15 minutes to figure out it wasn't your room OR YOUR HUSBAND.
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