dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
I'm gonna do things to you that will make the neighbors want to move.
i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
then i got kicked out of the bar for trying to pay my $30 bar tab in sacajawea dollar coins
I wish you wouldn't refer to your breast milk as "ammunition"
I miss old school porno. There just isn't any love in porn these days.
He ended up walking out of his bedroom and told me to look at the nonexistent fire he was holding in his hand. Im upset I didn't take those shrooms.
She's doing hand stands on the train as I type. Idk if I'm impressed it embarrassed. Or turned on.
He bought the 12 pack of condoms. I take that as a sign of serious commitment.
Man i fell asleep on a random persons porch on the way home and woke up to the family banging on the windows trying to wake me up
He kept telling me that he didn't serve two tours in Iraq for my bitch ass to drink banana rum.
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
His abs are so defined he looks like a human xylophone.
Then it hit me - his penis wasn't a shiny new toy anymore and I wanted a new one.
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