I told him I was pregnant. Figured it would soften the blow of telling him I had herpes.
Did it?
Not as such, no.
She is wearing lilly and pearls while drinking natty from a monogrammed coozie. If that isn't a sorosititue I don't know what is
You know... If I put the same amount of effort into school as I put into giving women orgasms I would be a Rhodes scholar
I'm heating up a hotdog using a candle.
Day 8 of being sober: Sniffed an empty beer bottle at a restaurent and almost licked it. This is not working
One question: Why is your trash can full of blood and pop-tarts?
sometimes when i'm drunk i choose the spanish option on the ATM to challenge myself.
If it makes you feel any better, karma just served me up a big dose of fuck you.
please come upstairs a drunk asian is lying down n the middle of my room and i don't know him
My dating life has become some fucked up hydra of dicks; you cut one off and two pop up in its place.
So that groomsmen was naked under his kilt. Also I just had sex in the elevator. And yes, those two updates are definitely related.
I think the lady at jack in the box started crying when we put in our order.
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
Just burnt my tongue. Not sure if it will help or hurt giving blow jobs
Just got my LSAT score...if you need me I'll be drunk in a ditch somewhere.
Randomize
