I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
Dibs on passing out in front of the toilet.
MTV running anti-sexting commercials is a slap in the face to everything our generation has accomplished.
i dont even know how to be here
She makes me want to have breakfast margaritas every day
I took my vicodin with tequila. I can FEEL gravity...
Is it wierd that you're going to be my best man and you've fucked my wife?
...She then said get into the spirit and started making firecracker noises while having sex
We realized he wasn't with us anymore, so we turn around and he's 20 feet back, peeing on a squirrel.
And there was a legally blind kid in a ref costume doing surprisingly well at beer pong who was passing out business cards
Says the girl who left her friends to go have phone sex in the bathroom at Michael's
Stop leaving buckets of wine at my house.
Tell me why i'm looking through my medical records and the last thing it said about my labor was 'vagina was explored'!?
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
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