I'd wear matching sweaters with you
so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
so after morning sex, she rolled a joint and turned on sports center
you might have found the rare bro goddess. i thought they were myth
Pretending to be straight requires way more energy than I'm willing to use in this heat.
I decided that $2 and a kiss on the cheek was a great tip for the pizza girl. No one is REALLY sure how much I've have to drink.
While at warped tour today a girl was crowd surfing and her vagina landed in my face, I call that a successfull day.
Using what I learned in my global terrorism class last semester to sneak booze onto my cruise. thanks college.
Status Uddate: I lost half a tooth and Alison is taking Amy Grant requests via bullhorn
I usually just read books and meditate to an aquatic soundtrack of sea walrus's mating. But ill choose coors light instead
They won't let us do straight shots of 151 since that guy lit his face on fire.
Donating $10 to Sandy victims for every hurricane I drink tomorrow. Buying me alcohol just became a good cause.
Sorry I couldn't make it...got a scrambled voicemail, all I heard was "Bring the dildo"
You get home okay?
I'm pantless and in bed
That doesn't mean you're at home.
I sent my boyfriend to the bar so I could go out tonight and actually get laid..
You abruptly started screaming because they had and I quote “calamari on the hoof”
Randomize
