So im at the gym and some guy has a tattoo of a hand doing the shocker... The douche bag bar has been raised yet again.
Check that he is NOT ok. He just heated up SoCo and used it as syrup on his pancakes.
Dude. Hurry up. They just blessed the tequila.
She sucks enough dick that I could make her mouth a legitimate Yelp location.
I saw pigeons eating ur dried up puke today. Last night was fucking great
His penis contains the glue that keeps this relationship together.
I have a LOT of reasons to worry about radical feminists taking my lady balls, frankly. A lot.
Better safe and shitfaced than hungover and in need of another surgery.
Woke up this morning with Nerf Bullets stuck to everything in my house and nut in my belly button. What exactly happened last night?
i think my cat just said my name.
Snow days are when you really appreciate that your neighbor is on your bang roster.
It feels appropriate that the wallet of my high school and college years would die at the hands of a spilled bong. Which in and of itself is a solid metaphor for those years.
Well it might’ve been because you asked to play What Makes You Beautiful at the club
So I said "fuck it" and made myself a sandwich
Good thing he's hot and my vagina likes him or I'd be at Dennys right now.
Randomize
