i just unintentionally masturbated to my own facebook picture
I don't know where I am but there are firefighters
i was taking the test and had to adjust my boner and my teacher thought i was cheating or something
I don't think the cop knew you were on ecstasy until you asked for a back rub.
We tried to make a sex tape, but we were hammered and she forgot to take the cap off the camera. Somebody starts snoring 10 minutes in.
Any day you don't mysteriously wake up in the garbage is a good day.
The nurse gave me a funny look when I said I thought I have an std in my throat. Bet she only does it missionary too
You gave me your shirt to use as a napkin every time I spilled beer on myself. Before we went to the bar.
While he was gone for spring break I took his head board... I don't wanna wake up from his shenanigans for the rest of my college career.
Almost to work. And still feel hungover. Like my body is trying to regenerate after dying. Full on zombie shit. But like, one of those zombies from warm bodies that comes back to life slowly.
So I totally just used margarita salt for a body scrub.
They're either celebrating their tax money or trying to kill each other.
Sorry I didn't call this morning. Ended up with a decorated war veteran last night who besides finding the enemy, KNEW where the fuck my G spot was. He gets a medal in my book!
So as you were leaving, you leaned on the table too much and 3 glasses slid and fell to the floor. You then looked at me and said "To be honest, glass isnt that expensive anyways" and stumbled out of the bar.
you had her IN YOUR BED NO PANTS AND YOU GAVE HER THW BOOT?!?!?!
Stage five clinger bro. had to go.
Randomize
