Do you think if I drink bleach they will let me leave work?
Dude. I haven't taken a shit in a week.
Try anal, it works wonders.
me texting you is like we have secret walkie talkies.
i had a dream last night that my liver tore its self out of my body and ran away.
the night got glorious when you tried to do an upside down keg stand with a near empty key and dropped it on your face
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
You hid from a cop under some guy's canoe on his lawn.. It didnt work
He's on the bus now and took off his Amish hat so just his long ginger beard is present. Goodbye, majestic Amish ginger. Go forth and represent your minority well.
I just got invited to party with a bunch of elderly lesbians I am in no position to offer life advice
Can I even tell you how badly I want a day that is just on and off napping and sex with intermittent snack breaks? Because I want that day very badly.
I have never seen a more amazing text message in my entire life.
mom had to come pick me up from the hotel. I crawled to her car. She told me the entire way home if I puked in it I was going to lick it up. Like high school all over again...
I'm a girl who met my last three bfs in gay clubs. Think I'm doing something wrong?
Would it be weird if i sent him a "happy fuckiversary" text?
U NO SLUT. YOUR HEART IS JUST FREE.
There's a little game I've come up with since the mess of a party I had; it's called "tinsel or condom wrapper? (or: what's that on the floor?)"
Randomize
