Idk man, it felt like my skin was a suit and I could feel it zipping up my side and up to my mouth. And then my head felt like a ventriloquist dummy's head, with the jaw thing..it was freaky, dude
You think that's a metaphor for anything, champ?
Shut the hell up.
I feel like tequila is Gods way of lighting my fuse to do something awesome
I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
You SHOULD feel empty, we were at the top of our game, and by that i mean snorting things we don't understand and only a few steps away from adultery.
Don't upload the drink o meter to your google calendar. Somehow binge drinking looks even worse with a time stamp.
As if me making pizza in a skillet wasn't enough proof that I was in no state to be cooking, this burn blister on my hand is
We're about to go to a party titled 'Night of 1000 Jello Shots".
I woke up and he used my makeup to write "hope you don't get pregnant" on my mirror before he left
And your cousins porn shouldn't have been the first straight porn you watched. And for that I am sorry
Shame?!? Shame only comes from getting naked in front of strangers and it not being awesome
He is what would appear if the douche troop all had rings and we summoned someone like the Captain Planet kids.
Next time I feel awkward in a situation I'm going to just yell "free bird!!!!" Like some redneck at lynyrd skynyrd show
At the light, his mom pulled up next to us while I was giving him road head. He forgot to tell me she was meeting us at the movie. So long story short, I convinced her I drove myself, pick me up in 20.
I am really drunk and also a zombie.
Randomize
