Would it be weird if I brought slabs of bacon with me to the beach?
i just found my sim card.....i hid it in my tylenol bottle....i guess to ensure i would find it mid-hangover
As I was leaving the drunk tank the cop told me he had a feeling we would be meeting again real soon.
I can count the number of hours she's been sober this weekend on one hand.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Why can't it ever be the normal ones that stalk me?
I CAN'T DO THIS MUCH FABULOUS BEFORE LUNCHTIME
Dad had me doing shots of chocolate mint Everclear last night. I've never felt closer to him.
Not much. Some creepy guy on Grindr thinks he knows who I am and where I live. So I sent him to that place with jockstraps and bacon. Hope he has fun.
My dad picked me up from the bus station and as soon as he saw me he yelled "bus backwards is SUB!" and started laughing, I'm like 800% sure he's stoned. I'm so happy I came home for spring break.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
So many gingers... It's like a beacon went out that said "this one is ok with red hair"
Usually I just ask myself "have I been naked here?" If the answer is no I correct the situation.
When someone's woman crush wednesday is an ultrasound of her unborn daughter...
I can't
walked into my roommates bathroom to her throwing up a quesadilla while singing come on skinny taco
How do you say, "I love you, but i prefer sex with someone else." in a good way? Ponder that over a jack and coke and get back to me.
i don't know what it is about you being around kids that makes me want to screw your brains out
That is the creepiest and also the sexist thing you've ever said
i think it's like a sexual celebration of not having kids
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