It's more exciting when they aren't single....and even better when you have to pretend that you just slept with their roommate while trying to do the walk a shame as their girlfriend comes marching into the apt.
Im not the least bit jealous of the life you lead.
I turned down free cocaine. I both respect and regret and that decision.
Then she opened the door and pitched the dead squirrel out, yelling "TELL THE OTHERS WHAT YOU SAW"
Alas, very true. I'll sell some of my eggs and give you like 10%
And with my 90% I'll get a scooter with a sidecar. And a pony. Also with sidecar.
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
We should celebrate the resignation of Berlusconi tonight with too many bottles of wine and sambuca. We're allies, right?
All i want to do is drink fuck and cry... you dont have to cater all three its more like the saddest choose your own adventure ever
An image of us stuck like that like Pompeii comes to mind. A wonder for future anthropologists
Just copped mushrooms from a dude in a business suit. U comin or what?
I just had to call my mom to come pick me up stoned at a Lana's house and beg her to buy me Taco Bell. I'm graduating from college in 14 hours. Fuck
Sitting topless in my room drinking wine from a box... It's good to be back at school
pretty sure I blew his mind with the sex last night. He repaid me with a five minute conversation about power rangers.
Which sister was it? The one I accidentally hit when my shoe flew off or the one I ate candy off of when we were high?
Why is it pressure? I want to see your cute face and possibly sit on it. You make it like its a bad thing.
I wish I got tanner on friday but I feel like I spent most of my time puking in the bathroom. I love my life
Randomize
