Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
We walked into the bar in The Flying V formation from The Mighty Ducks. We were ready.
He said "what's the haps". I don't know what the haps are but there goes his chances
She clogged the toilet and got it out with a seven eleven bag. I tried to tell her no but she was convinced that was the logical thing to do.
Dude he's the best wing man ever. He starts creepin' on a woman, and she clings on to you out of fear.
Well. I have your keys. You have my car. Looks like we have a drunkxican standoff.
Is it true if I say your name three times, you'll appear and whore everything up?
Went to the doctor's today. The lady took one look at my throat and said "oh god"
Too much penis in there.
I was wondering, is there any way to hook up a lawn hose to a keg?
By the way, anytime you want to go toe to toe on Doggystyle lyrics just let me know!
Who is this? Did we just become best friends?!
it's too much effort for something that isn't food.
My boss brought her husband's telescope to work, so all of us that work in the MMJ Dispensary got high and had an impromptu Blood Moon viewing party. I love my job.
I'm eating taquitos in the bathtub at 5:30 am. What a great end to the night
Just puked in a cup. Poured it out the window.
It's 2016 and I'm somehow banging the milkman.
Randomize
