sometimes i think life is slapping me across the face and laughing, saying "ha ha! you're an adult!"
I just found her phone in the quesadilla maker...
some drunk bitch driving a golf cart ran over the live band... its bad.
In your defense, I really thought capturing that alligator would have been a lot more awesome and a lot less tragic.
RIP Mr Bojangles.
She still cant shoot whiskey?
Im having serious doubts about this relationship
he just texted me saying he needs a place to stay for the night. pretty sure i just got booty called to my own house...
i feel like i should invite him over so he can cockblock my roommate one last time before he graduates. for old times sake, ya know
I will have you again some day my love. And our divorce will be magnificent
I'm really hot. went tanning and this cheeseburger shirt like isn't breathable
I just want to be able to run around naked and eat grass with no judgments and have people feed me and expect me to sleep all the time.
He sent me a slow motion video of him jerking off...it was so long (the video not his dick) even I felt awkward watching it alone
you don't even have a vagina so you don't get to tell me what to put in mine
No. I'm sorry but once your "would go gay for" list exceeds five people, you're bi. Get over it.
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
He stopped the gas pump at 69 and gave me my receipt. He wants it.
Randomize
