My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
No idea how i never noticed that penis before. I wonder if it works
he said he "kind of had sex before.. Barely" i think it was one of those situations where you slide into home and get tagged out.
Never underestimate the healing power of vomiting and a bath.
are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid?
bc i get to see you. naked.
Appropriately today was the first time I've ever GTL'd. I can't believe I made fun of this,it's rather relaxing.
Correct me if I'm wrong here... but did we serenade each others breasts to "winds of change" last night?
I'm babysitting my fucking roommate he took out the screen and is trying to throw dishware in our fucking pool after he repelled off our balcony
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
My stepdad and I just tag-team hit on a server at McDonald's. This is the man I should have grown up with.
I have to take tonight off from shenanigans. My liver is planning a coup
I dare you to find another dealer that delivers bud to your home along with deep fried vegan burritos
These are the last few fleeting sober moments of the day for me. If there is anything you need me to do today, please tell me now
I remember that. We went to taco bell looking for pizza.
The only thing good about being back at work is the lunch time hand jobs from the MILF
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