how do I set my phone to only ring when I'm asleep when sex is certain?
my roommate just said, "don't look at it, just put it iin your mouth"
Forgot that I saved my paper as "Eat Shit Edwards" and e-mailed it because I missed class. I'm sure Prof. Edwards will be delighted when she gets it. I don't anticipate a passing grade.
i rewarded my self with tacobell for not throwing up on any one. MISTAKE
oh no you fucking didn't eat my mac and cheese you cunt
True life I used my fake as a photo id for my final. My professor told me good luck and laughed. Hope the bouncers are in the St. Patrick's day spirit.
The port-a-pottys are knocked over so I have nowhere to sleep.
Also, the drinking age in Japan is 20. At what point in the sky am I allowed to start downing alcohol?
Come make me food. I feel like if I go in the kitchen I will just get Gin.. and pass out in there.
if girls can go out in miniskirts and reveal their thongs, I should be able to wear a sheer dress with boyshorts with the word love bedazzled on my ass.
This is why you're my favorite.
Never thought I'd say this but the maple syrup flavored vodka probably wasn't our best idea
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
Also, my old intern Lizzie whom you fed pizza to last night wants to hang out with you
Can you please venmo me emergency money? i have no pants.
I need a significant other who'll eat Skittles from my boobs
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