What time are you coming? Can you stop and get mouse traps and trojans?
You have mice?
no why?
let's skip the party, and just play drunken wii, again. its time to give my vag a break.
Meanwhile I am sitting on the couch with a 32 ounce rum and coke trying to decide if I'm too drunk to go get french fries.
Did you ever stop and think that god invented whiskey dick specifically for me
For the record, saying you're friends with the owner doesn't work when the owner is the one throwing you out.
I think I wrote "thanks for the free alcohol!!!" in their wedding guest book and I'm almost positive I signed my name
I'm trying not to drink. I may fall down if I move. This is bad. I had everclear before the bar. Oh no. Oh no. Breathe. Breathe. Breathe.
I have stripper ass cheeks all over my glasses
Can you please reassure him im not a scary or intimidating person? And that really my entire life is a series of completely ridiculous events that have led me here?
Like I had to call my dad because I couldn't manage to unlock the door. And when he got there to open it I was climbing the gate to get in.
This is going to ruin my future wedding planner career, but isn't it better the groom knows he's gay BEFORE he gets married?
I feel like the devil is trying to impregnate me through my eyeballs.
No, not if I told them not to. they listen to me. I have a vagina.
I just want to eat chicken fingers and drink beer and smoke in bed with my laptop so I can watch Netflix
So your not doing THAT great with the break up then...
i had sex with a girl named after a fruit last night and it was the best thing to happen to me in 2020
Randomize
