Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
All I remember is yelling at him to admit he liked Bon Jovi, then accusing him of giving love a bad name.
OMG MY MOM JUST ASKED IF I WAS GETTING PAP SMEAR TOMORROW VERY LOUDLY WHILE WE ARE STANDING IN A VERY PUBLIC LINE.
Just walk-of-shame'd past fifteen little girls at summer camp. Take a good look girls, I am you in twelve years.
I just headbutted my cat because he was trying to eat my bacon.
I wish I had a "puke in your car" emoticon
He won't ever take me seriously if I keep getting drunk and hooking up with all his friends.
You have to figure out where to put this turtle dude
I just googled, "how to do boob makeup" thats the kind of night I wanna have.
Relaxed was like phase 1 of this phase 7 high
You tried to get the Waffle House waitress to put a candle in your cheesy hash browns.
I met a pornstar at his bachelor party and signed his shirt giving him wedding advice
Homeboy just asked me to strip for him. He should not be this horny and allowed to be in Vegas with his kid.
don't worry, i'll dog sit again, the barking made the sex better, its like he was cheering for us, we were just THAT good.
I need advice on ways to politely say “fuck you on your way to hell”.
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