I basing my decision on whether or not to date someone on whether I could imagine having sex with them sober
Threw up 3 times on the lawn mower and then proceeded to crash it into a tree root and break it.
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call.
What are the odds of finding the one hot Australian dude with erecile dysfunction?
It's one of the many facets of my drunken alter egos. I'm like substance abuse batman.
You can't find true love with Budweiser and a futon
Apparently coming home smelling like I took a bath in beer is frowned upon in this household. I'm so glad I don't actually live here.
I can't stop drooling did you spike my drink?
It was at the same house, but a different party, when lesbians set me on fire. So there's that.
At this point it's more of an experiment to see how much actual bush growth is possible. See, being single can be both educational and surprisingly comfy!
I mean we don't talk anymore but I still see him around wearing that sweater he stole from me after we had sex
THIS IS SO HOT. BYE PANTIES.
I mean you're asking high Chelsea. I'd sell myself for a rice crispy
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
Not going to make it tonight. Some cougar at the bar just told me she has dibs on my dick.
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