Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
You just compared our sex life to a seven year old kid.
I am too pretty for them to be this angry at me.
Best news ive heard all week. The cougars r coming! The cougars are coming!
In attempts to Not be THAT GIRL in front of my new crush I will only drink a 12 pack instead of my normal case.
I can't be drunk. Sober yes. Drunk no. Spoonfuls
This is amazing. I can pinpoint the window in time that you lost all sanity.
Just found out I called my mom at six in the morning to ask where the bong was. I win.
And your cousins porn shouldn't have been the first straight porn you watched. And for that I am sorry
I'm turning twenty & the only honorable way to exit my teens is by slapping the fuck outta the bag. You better be in.
I felt like the hulk waking up from a black out except with munchies
I haven't had an orgasm since 2014. So you cam see why I'm having a bad year.
You were staring right at you dick at the urinals, then looked at all the other guys dicks and fist pumped saying "I win!"
p.s i need to stop drunk texting my mom. she brings up text convos all the time and i have no idea what shes talking about...
Let's just grow old together and be the crazy ladies that sit on the park bench, drinking booze from flasks and loudly talk about people who walk by.
Randomize
