after a month anything with tits is on the radar
My own mom unfriended me on Facebook.
when i was ordering pizza, the guy muffled the phone but i could clearly hear him say "its that drunk bitch again"
Got kicked out of the baseball game with a 4 officer escort. Not bad for a monday night.
Either this is the best sandwich I've ever had, or my stomach is just relieved to have something in it that's not Red Bull or semen.
Just quiet vomiting, and in between heaves she mumbled "be the pro"
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
Just talked a homeless guy out of suicide. Was rewarded with a garbage bag full of mountain dew bottles and zannies. Im such a good person
Love me.
GO THE FUCK TO BED IT'S 3AM I AM NOT TAKING YOU TO MCDONALDS.
Just for one nugget?
lonely sunday drunk me decided to tweeze my pubes. HORRIBLE IDEA
So apparently my mom hired someone who goes by "DJ Dog Dick" for the family christmas party?
don't judge but I think I'm gonna go fuck a dad this weekend
Blame the bisexuality and move on?
I woke up this morning hand cuffed to the bed with three bruised ribs and Amy written in lipstick on my chest... what happen lastnite??
I’m making a jello mold of my penis
Will it be as disappointing as your actual penis?
Randomize
