The girl I brought home was really impressed with the pile of blow you were doing while watching "Intervention."
be a good friend and just tell me i'm not pregnant
why did u have a candy cane hung on your dick in the first place?
she has a santa fetish
cute.
My mom is purposely blasting Shania Twain downstairs so I can't jack off.
i woke up wearing her shoes. this night isn't going on my highlight reel
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
Slurping strawberries throug a straw. It feels like the kool-aid man is coming in my mouth.
My stepdad and I just tag-team hit on a server at McDonald's. This is the man I should have grown up with.
That's not a funny feeling. That's hepatitis. You got it from that bar where everything was sticky.
I'm buying groceries with adderoll. I hope I'm never this broke again.
I only drink at bars with bathrooms big enough to have sex in.
Also, I found this app that is basically a tamagochi from the 90's and now I finally have something to keep me busy at work!
It's all fun and games until you rupture a testicle
You had sex with him AND his man bun. Like not just him but also the bun.
My mom added me on Snapchat which means I am officially done with Snapchat.
Randomize
