I wish i could make my toaster dance like they do in the second ghostbusters. But i dont have ectoplasmic goo. Or a toaster.
i caught the condom in my mouth.. dont ask me how
i had to take off my light up shamrock necklaces, my professor was getting suspicious.
full cup flip cup was not exactly the reason I wanted to tell the cops when I was sleeping on the curb
Taking a semester off always leads to bad things like having a baby or getting married
oh god my hair smells like rotten vegetables, sweat, and tequila. I wanna party with your neighbors every night.
I give you full permission to fuck a rando on my air mattress.
I woke up in a trash can. Please dude. I don't know what I did to you last night, but I'm sorry. Epically sorry. Please call me back. Please.
We have so much sex to catch up on
I peed sitting down because I knew standing was a lost cause
Apparently asking your girlfriends roommate for a hand job when u craw into the wrong bed after a bottle of rum is "bad form".
She is dumping me if she doesn't get a ring by Valentines. So one more month of free sex and it will be back to the right hand.
i got woken up by a cockroach crawling onto my hand and now i'm pretty sure i'll never be clean again
Also I’m on 3%. Just Incase.. I miss you and I love you and you’re my everything and I’m getting drunk.
Was cussing out our DD when one of the strippers takes him backstage. WTF
They call him magic hands is all I know.
Somethings are best left a mystery
Randomize
