im six kinds of drunk right now
I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
I wrote a list of all my homework due in the next few weeks. I feel I've done enough for tonight.
I'm pretty sure you thought I could absorb alcohol through my dress
i think i left a case of beer in your dryer
This is going to be BYOBM Vegas trip: Bring Your Own Bail Money.
You wouldnt be able to explain the can of green beans in my mailbox, would you?
we have what I like to call an assload of ramen noodles
I woke up and found cookies in my purse. It's a 12/12/12 miracle.
I just remembered that you tried to trade me for a glass of wine
Someone has big plans this weekend. Just went to throw away the trash and saw packaging for 3 different vibrators on the top of the stack
I basically gave Miranda rights to the guy I hooked up with, jus so we were all clear what was happening
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
how do you politely tell someone their toddler looks alarmingly similar to the berries and cream guy
That guy I hooked up with in new york last 2 statuses are "I'm going to be a father, it's a girl" then "wow syphilis sure does burn" I'm legit scared... What has my life come to.
Randomize
