I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
he opened up his "box of magic": a crusty tube of KY jelly, three expired condoms, a fingertip vibrater, and a jar of marshmallow fluff.
Found a beard hair in my crotch.... care to explain?
got my wristband ripped off, was told i can only be served water. please find me, i'll be running through the fountain
I'm gonna make a therapist very happy and very wealthy this semester.
Just smokin in the creek with some deer, they like the smoke, I know.
Wait..I'm drunk and butt naked making a pizza. Happy Wednesday.
He added me on LinkedIn while I was baking weed brownies in the boxers he left here... Is this adulthood?
There aren't enough words in the English language to fully describe how worried I am for your dick. And the rest of you, I suppose.
It's my day off, I'm going to Target to check out Moms in yoga pants
He stood next to me peeing as I was puking behind a car in the parking lot, telling me how much he loved me. On the other hand, he loves me!
Found like seven bruises in the shower. One was shaped like a hand. Best. Sex. Ever.
My purse is full of condoms and money.
I like where this is going...
It still amazes me Mike had to have neck surgery after eating me out so much.
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
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