Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
fucking a dude
i mean: fucking a, dude
wow, that comma made all the difference there
True story: Just left my solo cup on a cop car. Yesss
His was the first dick to ever be in my mouth... Of course I'm going to the wedding.
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
It's alarming how good I'm getting at being productive at work on Thursday after Johnny Walker Wednesdays.
she's living proof man. somebody has literally pissed in the gene pool
I'm just checking to make sure you don't want to go to the farmers market... This is an assumption based on the fact that you were slapped with a sandwich last night and you remained unconscious.
Our DD will meet us there. The strippers are sending a limo to pick him up. He promised them New Years Eve massages. Said he would still drive us home.
I couldn't find the oven mitts so I used a thick stack of tortillas
Last night was just a whirlwind of Mario Brothers and sex.
I'm no longer puke free since 2013 am I.
Had sex on the beach last night with a drug dealer. win-win-win situation
I have to stay away from bourbon. Despite what it keeps telling me, it is NOT my friend.
Consume your own penis you ugly freak.
Randomize
