Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
I remember why I come home for the holidays. Sam Adams is the cheapest beer in the fridge
so im gonna ask for shark week off tomorrow at work and i advise you do the same
WERE YOU GOING TO TELL ME THERE WAS A LOAF OF BANANA BREAD IN THE OVEN BEFORE YOU LEFT FOR A 5 HOUR SHIFT??
You slept with a red coat way too close to independence day. It's just very unpatriotic.
Life seems so much brighter and more vibrant after you have sex with a 20 year old. It's like how Kansas was in black and white and Oz was in technicolor.
The ideal thing to do next party is to tape my boobs down so they don't knock over the pong cups while playing defense. They came back to hurt us this time
So, I'm drinking, and I put my head down in the table. The cat jumped up to check on me, I have a cat sober monitor.
She only fucks to metal. I don't know whether to marry her or run for the hills.
Its not that it wasnt fun. Its just I got a tooth knocked out and that was my second time being arrested this year
Wednesday is good, I needed the head count for the orgy, caroling can happen with as few as 2 people. There will be a pinata.
For the caroling or the orgy?
Today I found out that my boss keeps a breathalyzer on his desk for just these sort of shenanigans
There are grandparents doing keg stands I don't know
As I took my shirt off he commented on how great my boobs where. I responded with "thanks, I grew them myself"
somehow I wound up on the floor crying about his beard. then telling everyone I'd give him a "lesbian blowjob".
If you find out what that means, show me.
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