i told him to take shots to cure a hangover and he told me i was "walking the steppingstones to alcoholism"
Just wanted to let you know that I always win at "whose ex is crazier" because of you.
I know we had a good night last night because his turtle was half asleep chewing on the used condom.
I figured out that he lasts longer when I rap during sex. He made it all the way through "Love the Way you Lie"
WHYAREWHITEGUYSSOBADINBED?! What the fuck went wrong, evolution?
I woke up and the only 2 bowls I own were shattered on my floor. Pretty sure my hand and tailbone are broken and I have no idea what the fuck happened
nothing like a call from your drunk grandpa at midnight on a wednesday to ask your parents if you're registered to vote...
You told me you would ride a pig into the night sky screaming, "I wear my sunglasses at night"
On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
you were caressing the jar of pickles then you looked down and whispered to them "I want you inside me"
so I ate shit in the bar and took a barstool down with me and this guy helped me up and I just started making out with him. I need to stop meeting men like that
He's slurring his text. I didn't think that was possible.
So i walked around campus drunk and alone last night eating pizza and a lunchable from 7-11. Sat by the flag pole and drank an entire liter of water, took off my shoes to prance around in the fountain, then stepped in dog shit on the way home...barefoot.
I have an aggressive hickey on my shoulder and it actually hurts.
I get so pissed when there is something that NEEDS to be made fun of and you're not here.
Randomize
