my dad just secretly slid me a nugg in front of my mom. remind me why I moved away for college??
dude I just realized something - girls return my clothes washed so in thought bringing girls home is like avoiding going to the laundramat
you threw up in someones recycling bin and left a note apologizing. how drunk do you think you were?!
I don't know if you realize how depressing it is to get your card denied....when you're only spending $4.
i was just singing like a virgin out loud my mom told me to stop kidding myself
he told me it was a naked video of him so i opened it. i just got rickrolled while sexting
You were spitting chewed up pretzle into my hands telling me to hold it for you.
We'll talk about this tommorrow when I'm not mistaking my fingers for French fries....
I was laying there trying to sleep and then he sat up, took out his dick, and put it on my shoulder. It wasn't even hard- it was just casually perched.
Any time you can't remember a night, and you wake up in a sorority house, it's fucking worth it.
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
Also, there's a guy walking around the kitchen in a shark onzie, and he just asked if we've ever smoked weed with a shark before. I'm dying
Ladies don't puke and tell
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
Sitting naked, eating lucky charms with rain boots on
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