I am so high I am beginning to unironically like Vanessa Carlton.
i fell off the bed in the middle of it, and he yelled "5 second rule" and kept fucking me. i think im in love
Judging by what's in the bathroom right now, I see you graced us with your presence last night.
i woke up this morning next to my toilet covered in an attempt to make blanket of toilet paper
For future references, orgasms clear sinuses.
I really shouldn't have to apologize. It was your own damn fault for opening a tab at the bar and telling me about it.
Look you found him on craigslist. You should be happy that he at least HAS a normal looking dick.
officially hit rock bottom.. been yelling through the vent in my room to my little brother trying to convince him to get me water for the past two hours. i fear feeling the full effect of my hangover if i stand.
I need to stop ravaging the freshman dorm like a virginity-snatching dragon.
i refuse to give everyone the satisfaction of seeing the results of my acting on my thoughts
And tan into my neighbor in the elevator. She was going to the gym. I was covered in mascara and dog hair eating a hash brown
I like to listen to classical music when I eat taco bell. I think it cancels out the aura of poverty and desperation.
Somehow I just turned an entire McDonald's bag upside down in my car and not a single fry fell out. The Lord really does work in mysterious ways.
Did I literally just offer a blowjob for help moving? Yes. Yes, I did.
hey, just so we're clear, next time we go swimming drunk at my house, we have to use the floating chairs instead of my mattress. i'm not sure how to get it out of the pool.
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