My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
i need gas-x and some way to take back every single thing i did last night.
so my mom told me to suck on something if I have to cough. so I guess blow jobs are ok
I have a page in my 2010 scrapbook dedicated to pictures of his cock.
she brought my homemade cookies with condoms taped to the box... im in love
You're asking your pregnant booty call to go to a funeral with you?
Ive already seen two fights and a clown urinating in the middle of the street. Hello Halloween 2014.
I woke up in your kitchen with my ID in my hand and my nails were painted electric blue. Dude.... never let me have fireball again.
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
Just bought plan b at 8am. Then the cashier asked if I wanted to donate to the children's miracle network. Fml
In the officer's defense, I was indeed pantless at the time he cuffed me, but there's a perfectly good explanation.
We're not ready for visitors right now.
wtf? who's we?
The Royal We: Me, My Vag, and I.
All I remember is talking the cops into calling us a cab instead of giving us PIs while trying to wake up your passed-out-on-a-bench ass.
You cuddled up under the blanket because you said it smelled like Santa and vodka.
His nipple licking is glorious
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