hey its robert, we just made out in the backyeard. i'm inside now and you should come to the bathroom and meet me.
I'm 90% sure a girl here is wearing a bra strap as a headband.
I was just "that girl you seen blowing some dude outside when you drove by"
Make sure you take the apple pie out of your pocket before you pass out.
On my way to the DMV to get arrested
What is the protocol for an "i'm sorry I had my ex retrieve me from the bar so I didn't drive drunk" blow job
Was in the middle of a keg stand, the frat guys dropped me, and I broke my nose. My mom didn't enjoy that call from the hospital.
Can't wait to bequeath this flannel to my grandchildren someday.
'I've been using this to pick up lesbians since before you were born!'
I want to go to a gay rodeo for my cross country road trip. It'll be like my very own homo country boy pilgrimage to the holy land.
I'm going to miss recovering from hangovers on the beach. Rolling around in my dorm bed and watching Friends reruns is just gonna feel like slumming it.
He has an accent when he types. I can *hear* the schnitzel. Especially when he's drunk.
Dude i'm still drunk and i'm feeding a raccoon cereal from my bedroom window
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
you ass-dialed me while you were fucking my ex.
that was on purpose.
tonight...tonight im having sex in honor of you
Randomize
