I have the worst wedgie. Seriously. Its horible. And there are people everywhere around me.
Slide your hand down the back of your pants and shift to the side slowly
...are you coming on to me?
Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
Dude she gave you head while I was in the closet, we've passed the "awkward" phase.
you had acid sex with the barista. why is my bucket list your tuesday?
In my defense, last night's hookup turned out to be my actual girlfriend. That's gotta count for something, right?
My night can be summed up in 3 words: Vodka. Threesomes. Hospital.
he was like "can i get a kiss" and i was like "can i get a taco"
If I'm not drunk and wearing a penguin hat by the time we are done opening Christmas presents then coming home for Christmas was a complete failure
I asked him if we could switch positions so I could watch the Olympics... I'd say date number two is a miss
Well you fished my watch out of a possibly vomit filled toilet so I think we're bros now.
IF I CANT STRIP TO SANTA BABY THEN WHY EVEN HAVE CHRISTMAS.
That's true because who the fuck doesn't love Harry Potter and beer
I'm in jersey with marbles.. He's blasted about to fuck a manatee and his entire family is trying to stop it. His mother punched me in the chest for not trying hard enough
I don't know if the puke on my pants is mine or not
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
Randomize
