Bike broken, reschedule party till thursday:(
She kept screaming "yeah! You pick up my books!" the whole time. . .
I have a deodorant stick dedicated to my balls.
recess is on disney at 4 in the morning, insomnia has never been so rewarding
I was just texting to see if your vagina was working yet.
the towel caught on fire outside the hottub but we were all too stoned to care
The meeting is at the same hotel we go to for sex. Avoiding eye contact with all the staff there.
It was really weird walking into a CVS and not going straight to the pharmacy for plan B.
I went commando last night, then accidentally flashed a police van...They acknowledged it.
so hungover. i just puked at the sight of the beer emoticon you sent me.
Just gave candy to a strange child. Not my best move.
She's passed out with a slice of pizza between her boobs should I just eat it and leave
You pretended to be Borat in that weird slingshot bathing suit and then proceeded to send another dick pic/nude selfie and said you weren't naked because you were wearing a hat.
You shouldn't play strip poker when you're having a wet fart kind of day.
Wow. I hope you were either doing that in your sleep or blacked out. You threw up then covered yourself in duct tape... i wish i got that on camera
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