I used to practice getting hit by cars.
I've hooked up with six guys in my ethics class next semester...I feel like I've failed already
Ohh god. I'm so nervous. This is terrible. He just introduced me as "the best girlfriend of his life" and Jenny as his "sexual roomate"
I've been meaning to ask you. The first night in the city did we do key bumps with a suicidal homeless man? My memory is fuzzy
Who knew that one of those cheesy light up equalizer shirts would be the light that all those drunk college girls gathered like moths around?
On the back of that comment, I've formed a theory that as a result of my brainwashing your drunk self actually believes that beards are your calling.
Also he wants to know a casual, consise way to ask a girl in a bar if he could eat her out. Think on that.
This baby is an asshole
Note to self. Don't order a $10 bottle of wine on a 40 min flight because it seems like a good deal.
God you're perfect.
I am. So drunk right now. Good work, Frontier.
I can't drink with the moms anymore. All they talk about is lactating.
I woke up and found a doughnut on our front porch. It's not sketchy though. More like a gift from the gods.
The bar tenders gave me the number for a "taxi"... It's just a dude with a van. In retrospect, pretty sketchy. Robert was cool though.
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
I got blood in my smoothie but it still tastes ok. Fuck glenfiddich.
My roommate told me he found me naked in the shower puking and when he asked why I was naked I said "you can't wear clothes in a shower"
Randomize
