Anywhere you can eat green eggs and ham, you can have sex.
Even though I wasn't drunk last night, I peed in the sink just so I could keep my record going
drunk tastebuds have low standards.
I'm still waiting for my blazer that I left at your apartment, you owe me a blowjob for every day from Thursday on that it's late.
he said i balance and complete him. i feel sick
A 40 year old man just put his hands on my thighs and said in these exact words "you're so beautiful and gorgeous and innocent. But life sucks and you'll probably turn into a whore."
Bloody Mary Monday just took a turn for the worst... Just had a heart to heart talk with the cat about it's obsession with chewing on cardboard.... Time for a nap.
Remember when we used to share painkillers at parties? Now we're dealing in blood pressure pills. Oh, how the mighty have fallen.
Girl at work pointed out that the blood vessels around my eyes were all popped and I smell like puke
I think I'm crying more because after all these years he never learned to spell you or use a comma properly from me
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
I'm hungry, horney and thirsty. Pick two you want to help out with.(please pick horney)
Apparently I blamed my BAC on the Saint Louis Cardinals...how is that not a valid excuse?!
I took the pregnancy test for shits and giggles, but neither shits nor giggles were had.
He makes me want to cheat on my other 3 boyfriends..
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