I wish I had my old roomstes number so I could send him pictures from lastnight... I had a blast banging his "true love" now that I think about it we're even don't worry about that gas bill you didn't pay. Ur girl worked it off!
..Thats also how I think I got the lyrics from MIAs Paper Planes Sharpeed on my ass? Maybe.
How does, "Im sorry I was such an intoxicated bitch, I didn't mean anything I said" sound as an apology.
im in class. still drunk. wearing one sock. eating a breakfast sandwich and trying to make sure this bottle of whiskey doesnt fall out of my purse in front of my professor
shes in my pool wearing only floaties on her arms ill have to raincheck watching march madness with you guys sorry
can you pick up eggs and chocolate sauce on your way home?
what kind of party is this?
the best kind ever
Real friends wouldn't let me shotgun a 4loko after already seeing me trying to eat a girl out through her jeans.
I hate when people see you passed out in your front yard and call 911. Like what, you can't take a nap face down on your steps at 4pm?
Do you know how hard it is to maintain a conversation with someone who just told you they put their cat in the fridge on purpose?
Dude, I had no choice. I was defending my genitals.
Found a popcorn kernel in my pubes... Time fir a Brazilian
FYI you are now my emergency contact at plan parenthood
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
You followed me up the stairs while i was throwing up yelling "projectile! projectile! projectile!"
on a scale from 1 to "can't put a toothbrush in your mouth without gagging" how hungover are you?
Randomize
