I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
We just saw a waitress walk by with a tray of bacardi and whipped cream.
Whoever ordered that deserves a pat on the back and the "classiest customer" award
the Monday before Thanksgiving is not a Monday at all. Just Thursday in Monday suit.
Literally 6000 elephants in my backyard.
So one buddy got tackled at the urinals by national guard members and was arrested. Another had sex in a port o potty with possibly the drunkest girl I've ever encountered. The rest of us blacked out and won a few bets. So yes, the derby did meet our expectations.
She made out with me for a free sandwich. What makes you think she is NOT up to my standards?
i'm not sure when it happened but apparently now it's topless bar night, im wearing a leotard and everyone is looking at me like i'm cheating.
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
I spent the whole party making out with some guy. He wasn't that cute but six of my sorority sisters are fighting over him so I had to do something..
You did that scary laugh you always do when you're blacking out except she's never heard it before and though you were choking and screamed at all of us when we didn't call an ambulance
Now you know my pain. Live with it. Own it. Recognize it. Cause its like shitting napalm.
I went full Overly Attached Girlfriend. You never go full OAG.
My gynecologist just said "don't worry, this won't be as hard as…well…" A FUCKING SEX JOKE NO
Shes yelled my World of Warcraft name when we were having sex, I think marriage is next.
It’s amazing such a big dick belongs to such a boring guy
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